I've been emailing with one of the SDS activity chairs, Andrew, about some potential charitable projects our schools can do together next year. I was so surprised at his enthusiasm and commitment. I mean, I know SDS has some really great people (Shannon, Anna, Bart ... Bart ...) but they've always been the exception. Andrew, and what he tells me about his girlfriend, make me wonder if I've still been judging too quickly/too harshly. Sure, a lot of people in this neighborhood are stuck-up snobs, but maybe, just maybe, they're the exceptions.

I think the three of us may get together soon to discuss both in-school and out-of-school projects we'd like to tackle. I know they're a couple and whatever, and Soren and I aren't anymore, but I think he'd really get along with Andrew, and presumably his girlfriend, so maybe I'll see if he's around at all.

Senior year is going to be awesome!

I'm an idiot. A big, bumbling, jerkfaced idiot.

I was at the Retlins to check on Ben and Steig and take in the mail, like I do every other day, and this postcard caught my eye, so I flipped it over to check where it was from, that's all I was doing! I snooped and read it and Cary caught me.

He freaked out. I've never, ever seen him like this. Not even in 8th when we had that huge fight over his story. This is nothing compared to that.

I really think he may never speak to me again. Which sucks because, from what I read, his mom sounds a lot like Patrick so I know what he's going through and ... it'd be kind of nice to have someone to talk to about that. None of my friends have asshole parents like Patrick. Dawn's bounced back and forth between her parents. Stacey's dad used to put her in the middle sometimes but he still makes the effort. Mary Anne's mom is dead. Abby's dad is dead.

And now I've fucked it up.

He didn't tell me not to come back, so I'll keep checking on Ben and Steig. I've really enjoyed my time with them, actually, and I made the commitment. I'll just make sure to do it when Cary will not be home.

And I'm just gonna leave the mail in the box from now on.

Home from Sea City! It was just like every other trip we've taken as a group-- Stacey drama with a boy included. What is it about her that makes her go so nutso for boys? And why do we forgive her every single time? Maybe next time, she won't be so lucky.

We played my drinking game and Mary Anne got plastered. I can't shake the feeling of being disappointed in myself for making a mockery of our notebook and the club, but I also want to slap myself as a reminder that it's okay to have fun.

We got home just in time for a BBQ for Watson. Sam really picked up the slack with me gone and got everything in order. Sometimes, I guess he's not so bad. Who would have thought Charlie would be the let-down?

I haven't called Patrick yet. I know I should, and I will, but I haven't yet.

I can never see Bart again. Every time I do now, something happens. I hate not having control.

I slept with someone. Did it. Had ... you know.

I had it, so I can say it, right?

Sex. I had sex. With Bart.

On prom night.

Aside from the cliche of it-- I mean, really? PROM NIGHT?-- I'm fine with it. It's not like I was holding out for some magical night (which is why, again, PROM NIGHT?) or like I was expecting fireworks and epic romance novel shit. I know all the mechanics and the ramifications. It was ... okay it hurt like hell and it was weird and fast but then Bart was really, well, sweet. I don't do MA-level schmoopy sweet bullshit but, in that moment, after we had just done this huge thing, it was nice.

Afterward, the next morning, we woke up and took a shower. He went to the pool to find my t-shirt but it's long gone so I took his. Then I got on the bus and told Melissa and that was it.

So the question is: Where do we go from here? I think we're going to talk tomorrow.

Soren and I broke up. Most of the time, I'm okay with it. It was for the best, I know it was. But sometimes I just miss him.

Hopefully that will fade soon. I don't know how this works.

I have a ton of stuff going on, though.

Charlie's moved back in. He failed out of SU. My brother failed out of college. There are other things going on, but no one's told me anything yet. I intend to find out.

Jacqui Grant is missing. I can't stand the girl and think SHS is a better place without her or her friends, but it's still weird and scary. Especially after how Charlie reacted when I told him, combined with the fact that he was sleeping with her. Almost makes me wonder There's no way he had anything to do with it. No way. Maybe he was in love with her like he was with Shannon and he's just that worried.

I'm pumped for ASG speeches. This is my year. I can feel it.

After a year on break from any student government related activities, except for helping Liss with stuff like this carnival, I'm back on the horse.

It stung, losing to TREVOR last year. TREVOR. Who did NOTHING all year. But you know what, I'm fine with it. My head wasn't in the game. Emily Michelle's accident was a huge strain and I couldn't put my all into it.

This year, though. I am ALL IN. Not for activities chair. That would be humiliating, to run again. This time, I'm going for philanthropy. It's a perfect fit. I started the SMS SADD chapter. I arranged that scholarship for Jessi's dance school, which has helped nearly a dozen underpriviledged kids express themselves and focus their energies in a structured environment. And after the Habitat trip, I've been really focused on finding new ways to give back.

This is going to take a lot of time and work, but I know I can do it. This position was made for me. I think Irv is running again, but what has he done, really? Plus the senior philanthropy chair takes ten times the committment and skill than in any other year. Emily Bernstein is also running and, yeah, great girl, good friend, but what are her qualifications?

It'll balance what I've been doing for Watson well in terms of my future goals. I've been doing general office work, mostly, as he very slowly eases out of convalescence, but since he's my stepfather, it's also like having this awesome business mentor all to myself. I'm going to be working for him pretty much full-time this summer and I can't wait. I have no interest in insurance, but when you get down to the bones, he owns his own mega-successful international business, and I'd be stupid to pass up this opportunity.

So between this, softball, Krushers, tutoring, babysitting, meetup stuff, and now campaigning and then actually being on student government, then college stuff. I have to email Annette from University of Hartford to talk more about what we had discussed at the college fair about the business school ...

Oh, right, and see my friends and my boyfriend, who have their own things going on.

Okay so to-do, item 1. Learn the art of balance.

For real this time. Call MA?

CHARLIE. MY BROTHER. MY TWENTY YEAR OLD BROTHER. THE ONE I USED TO IDOLIZE.

IS SLEEPING WITH JACQUI GRANT.

JACQUI. FUCKING. GRANT.

Soren and I were working on earth day stuff downstairs and we came up to, well, okay. To make out. Fine. Anyway. I didn't even know Charlie was HOME.

Side note: He's been spending an awful lot of time here lately. Weird.

Anyway, one minute we're in the hall outside my room, the next Soren is being pulled off of me by a crazed Charlie and JACQUI FUCKING GRANT is standing in his doorway IN A BEDSHEET.

I'm still just ... WHAT THE HELL.

Then Soren sort of lectured me about how I can't expect Charlie to stay out of my dating life if I get so involved in his. But I WASN'T getting involved. I was just venting. If I were getting involved, I would have called the police. Or at least told mom and Watson. It's like he stopped listening to me and it became a soapbox.

He does that a lot, doesn't he?

Whatever. Abby and Liss will yell with me.

BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS SLEEPING WITH JACQUI GRANT. OMGWTFBBQ.

I haven't been able to put this down because I haven't wanted to write it out because that made it a whole new level of real.

That's stupid.

Watson had a heart attack last Friday. He was driving me to Hartford to the airport when it happened. We were on 95 and one minute I was getting him a bottle of water and the next he was gasping for air and I was straddling the console and pulling the car over and into a ditch. I hit my head and got stitches. Watson got angioplasty and a stent. Or maybe just one. I don't even remember. It was a horrific week of tests and hospital visits and waiting and wondering and worrying. But now he's home with us and the kids can see him and the house doesn't feel so eerie and empty anymore.

( -- )

We're finally home from New Orleans. I can't even put into words how amazing the trip was. We really made a difference, all of us. I'm so glad I went and nothing Melissa says about Disney will ever make me very jealous.

Between the trip there and the trip back, I managed to get all of my homework done and even get ahead, which I'm relieved about. As much as Soren made fun of me, I know Zoey's set to give birth this week and who knows when I'll be going out to California so I want to be ready to go at a moment's notice.

Speaking of homework, it was weird in the van. The moment I pulled out my books, even though it was still at least a day before we were home, it was like the trip ended that second. And once the trip ended, I started to worry. I hate worrying.

See, in New Orleans, it was like I became this pod person. I took my clothes off. I let Izzie clear Soren's cabin. I thought I might have been, ugh, falling in love. I'm physically cringing writing that because it all says one thing.

Abby was right.

This is becoming Bart II. I let myself get carried away and do and say things I never would have said back here. I forgot how different it is to do the whole relationship thing in that isolated world and here, where there's homework, and school, and babysitting, and softball.

I have no idea how to fix it. I can't tell Abby, she'll mock me and probably do some irritating dance she'll make up to a song she'll write called "I Told You So." I can't tell Melissa, she'll ... Melissa me. Maybe I should give Izzie a call. Maybe she can help me figure out how to get it all back how it was.

Europe, Hawaii, New Orleans.

I am never going on vacation with a boy again.

I decided last minute to skip the school trip and spend spring break with Habitat in New Orleans. Sounds all noble and shit, right? Just the kind of think I would do. Case closed. Wish you were here, send me a postcard.

Then I mention that Soren is also going and all hell breaks loose. Suddenly I'm going to be WITH him, going BECAUSE OF him. When really, when haven't I been into the whole working vacation concept?

You know what? Yeah, I want to spend a week away with him. Is that so wrong? Is that so crazy? People do it all the time! So why won't people just stay out of my business? THAT'S why I'm so annoyed, really. Because everyone has an opinion, everyone has to weigh in. I wish I had never said anything because now I feel like everyone's watching, everyone's judging. There goes Kristy Thomas, following her boyfriend on a trip. That's not how it is at all.

And another thing. Why is everyone so obsessed with my underwear!? Am I supposed to do something on this trip? Did I imply I would by agreeing to go?

So okay, maybe I want to. That's normal. That's healthy. But why do I need something special for it? Can't I just wear what I normally wear and if something happens, it happens? Dawn thinks I should go to that new hippie store and find something organic, Stacey tells me I need black lace and gel inserts, Mary Anne would probably send me a link to flowersandbows.com or something. I mean, I'm all for any sort of BSC outings but this isn't like shopping for a dance. I do not do this sort of thing publicly.

This is why I keep this shit to myself.

IF had Austin cheated on Abby and, STD aside, if he did do it, I would have castrated him if given half a chance.

Alan cheated on Claudia WITH GRACE BLUME and I poured Yoo Hoo down his shirt. I wish it was something stronger but I had to work with what I had. Plus, it's a classic move and I'm not interested in prison time.

That's all very clear-cut. No gray area.

Charlie cheated on Shannon. I took his side, then I found out it was true and stopped speaking to him. He's my brother, but you just don't do that to my friend. Now Shannon and I are barely friends and Charlie's hanging around more again and I don't know whose side to take so I stay out of it. Shocking, I know.

Pete and Andi are back together, I guess. He cheated on Laine with Andi and, somehow, I can't find fault with him for it. Sure, it's not the right thing to do, but Pete seems so happy that I can't fault him for it. Maybe because Laine is a huge bitch who herself has treated my friends like garbage?

Soren teases me about my rules, but why can't I apply one hard-and-fast one to this? Why is it okay for some and not for others? Maybe the issue isn't cheating, maybe it's just disrespecting my friends? Or maybe I'm not as consistent as I like to think I am.

Soren came over Saturday and we played softball with the kids for awhile before deciding to go to the rock wall. We didn't make it. We stayed in my room and made out in my bed instead. I let him put his hand up my shirt. Both things I swore I'd never do again after Bart. Both things I wanted to do, so I did. No harm. No one caught us, and it's all stuff I've done before so it's no big deal. So how do my rules work there? And are rules really rules if I keep changing them to suit what I want to do at the moment?

Does it matter?

Zoey is pregnant. She's due in less than a month and I'm just finding out now. Guess it's been a tough pregnancy and Patrick has been busy. He says he'll have me on the first flight out there to meet her as soon as she's born.

Mom's covering for Patrick with David Michael, telling him she decided he can't go to CA, not that Patrick is the one who has no interest in seeing him. There was a particularly ugly episode at dinner the other night when I brought it up. Why do I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time? Then Charlie got angry, and Sam sided with him, and mom looked so weird and sad and we all wound up outside in the porch swing.

David Michael made some idiotic comments about "real" family and "real" sisters. I hope it's just a phase. I don't want him to think that Karen or Emily are somehow less important than me just because he and I share DNA. I have four brothers and two sisters, soon to be three sisters. End of story.

It's supposed to be in the 50s this weekend. I'm thinking some Krushers spring training is just what we need to get over this weird tension in the house ...

He gave Abby HPV. That shit causes CANCER. AUSTIN BENTLEY MADE CANCER CONTAGIOUS. And if anything, ANYTHING happens to Abby? I will have him arrested. I still have Sgt Johnson's number. I could do it. And I would.

I mean, shit, CANCER. And I just-- she CRIED today. CRIED. With me and Liss. This is so far beyond what I know how to deal with. I was doing some research on the internet tonight and this thing Abby has to get done? They burn parts of your plumbing off!

If she has ... if she gets ... I emailed Retlin, sure and he was weirdly ... reassuring, somehow, without even really saying much, he made me feel better and I won't do anything physically to Austin, even if he deserves it for cheating on Abby, but if she gets cancer? If ANYTHING happens to her?

Yeah. He's fucked.

Drove MA to track states. Good ride. Talked lots. Surprised Soren. Happy to see me. Kissed.

Why the hell did I start writing like that? It's making my brain bleed reading it! UGH! A journal is supposed to record the past for future reflection, right? What would I ever get out of that but the bare bones basics?

Anyway. I told Soren maybe I'd go to his track meet, since it was States, and, well, because the thought of not seeing him all weekend was kind of depressing. How messed up is that? So I emailed MA and asked if she needed a ride and she accepted, to my surprise. She chose to drive with me instead of with the Brunos. Score one for Team Kristy! And there was just NO awkwardness in the car. She knitted, I drove, we talked. It's how I always figured it'd be when we got older. Little road trips with the club. Obviously the chances of that happening now are slim to none-- or are they? hmmm-- but it was nice to have that little window of normalcy.

Got to the track and Soren was very surprised to see me. I guess he took my maybe as a maybe and not a "I'm writing it into my dayplanner in pen and will be there unless I'm dead." We're so different and it's been an adjustment, working with each others' styles and habits but I think it's really worth it. He makes me think and challenges me and makes me WANT to rethink some things I've taken as infallible truths.

He kissed me in front of everyone. The whole track team watching. And I didn't think "Whore! Can't they keep their hands to themselves in public?" I thought "This is really, really nice."

Huh.

Normally would have journaled a lot being sb. Instead, Soren stuck here. Family liked, especially Nannie. Fit right in. Played gamed, didn't get annoyed with brothers or Watson. Realized I really like. Kissed. Kept warm. Interesting.

Date last Fri. Went well. So, dating? No idea.

SHS Valentines sale stressful. Couldn't decide what to send. Not secret admirer so no white. Like as more than friend so no pink. But don't love so no red. So ... red rose.

Hope doesn't weird him out.

Miss not caring about this.

Do like him, though. And kissing.

MA tried to kill self. Scared. What to do? Babysitting crafts? Has to be more.

Dawn not doing well either.

Stupid Frenchboy left Stacey, moved back to Paris.

Claud with Alan Gray. Seems happy but cannot be.

Abby's mom remarried. Went to wedding. Roomed with Shannon. Not as bad as feared.

Came home to find Charlie with some girl May or June or something. Can't tell Shannon.

What happened to all of us?

Meetup.com is awesome. Organizing ACLU teen group and Random Acts of Kindness with Soren, both using social model.